No one is perfect and no one has life figured out, we are all troubled in some way. I am sorry that my borderline personality disorder (BPD) got in the way of our family and us. What you have written here is one of the most accurate and personable depictions of BPD, it gives way to understanding and hope. I am 26 years old, I live in Wichita, KS, and I live with my father because I cannot live alone. Email: bpdfamilyconnections@gmail.com. she now cant be with me because what will people think if we are seen together? Who would want ME? Another thing you may have noticed is that spaced out look on our faces. Yes, I live in my fathers house, but we barely speak, and I harbor so my anger toward him that sometimes I cant talk to him because I dont know what awful words could come out of my mouth. And I know it's because I still have so much to learn. Tonight I started to think: Maybe he's just giving me time to cool down after the last contact we had, and then he'll be in touch. A normal life can be had. Thank you for your heartfelt comment in response to my letter. Your letter touches on a subject that my husband and I are taking to my therapist just this week. It's bloody hard work to change your whole life and how you live it. I don't know if I should or should not point out that she has an illness and thus a proclivity to feeling the way she does, without it being my fault. Something wasnt right, but you still lay down next to me every night. I wish she would recognise her need to make changes with help. It can be hard to witness someone's pain, and one of the pitfalls for therapists is to lose faith in the person going through the therapy, particularly when building up one's own DBT skills. I love this person, but the situation can be so hurtful. It indicates the ability to send an email. It is killing my spirit. I've been told I would always be this way, I would always be Borderline, always end up messing up my life, always needing care for my psycological issues. Celebrities and Famous People With Borderline Personality Disorder. I have no nearby friends. He said many times that he wanted to show me love and treat me right but he thinks that his selfishness and pride are preventing him to do so. Click to enable/disable _gid - Google Analytics Cookie. BPD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to "having 'aural dyslexia,' in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.". It felt as though my very real issues were being labelled as some sort of 'mood swing'. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." Should I also even bother being a counselor if I am like this? It was only ever a matter of time and what scared me the most was the thought that youd find someone who would treat you better, who wasnt so weighed down. I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. I read The Art of Asking by my favorite artist Amanda Palmer, and it was absolutely wonderful. Common triggers include rejection or abandonment in relationships or the resurfacing of a memory of a traumatic childhood event. Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better. Since these providers may collect personal data like your IP address we allow you to block them here. I have to agree with DBTChick. My will. Again tks for this:), You are very welcome. If you've ever read anything about BPD, you've probably heard of people who are "abusive . This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. People just don't "believe" in it and long-term mental illnesses. However, when they are presented in a manner as if the struggle somehow evaporates at the end is not logical, because life is never so linear. It's kind of just an awesome miracle that I've come as far as I have. He wanted to change so bad I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with his words. Anxiety about relationships, making efforts to avoid being abandoned. My surroundings have left me feeling like there is no hope, because no one wants to help. Appointments 866.588.2264. I'm very grateful for his letter, Christine. This is my second year . I'd be honored if you shared it with your DBT Group and therapist (and your family!). After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think.Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped.How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped.Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then.And I have all too many of my own moments.Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love.And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help. Due to security reasons we are not able to show or modify cookies from other domains. I'm always fascinated and encouraged to see persons with BPD who accept the diagnosis and are embracing treatment. I've learned how to focus on the important things and how to handle my emotions. Self-harm, threatening or attempting suicide. Hope can be returned. Oops! This insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer. She is also using emotional blackmail, saying if I divorce her it would kill her. being transgendered i was unable to get appropriate medical help because i was told my gender disphoria was "identity disturbance". Dating someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be difficult at times, but it doesn't have to be something that harms your relationship. strong, overwhelming emotions and feelings. This open letter can be extremely helpful to people who love someone diagnosed with BPD. please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior. They have a higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior. Perhaps you have tried so many things to ease the pain, but nothing has worked. Mental health Carers Helpline. So when a parent exhibits BPD symptoms, and the child becomes the target of these behaviors, it impacts who they are and who they will become. I watched her deteriorate before my eyes and her children, too. This website is produced by members of the Sanctuary Support Group. ~ Dave M. Also, during those long recovery periods, she will fixate on a distorted, misremembered and misquoted version of something I'd said during the fight, always distorted to be much harsher than what I actually said, and sometimes completely "fabricated" with no basis in anything I said. I was petrified of losing you; the intensity of my emotions, the world and the endless possibilities absolutely petrified me. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. For me as I gained more experience and I saw the positive changes DBT can lead to, this helped me to avoid that particular trap. Thankyou, I can only imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us! Research has focused on the psychopathological tendencies of children whose Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a serious mental health condition that prevents someone from being able to control. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. They actively seek to control the perception of BPD in the same exact way they try to control how they are perceived as individuals. and "WE" your partners love you, even if today, this week, this month, this year, you hate "US"! An Open Letter to People Who Write About Borderline Personality Disorder | by Rivka Wolf | Invisible Illness | Jan, 2023 | Medium 500 Apologies, but something went wrong on our end. Its difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you dont have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you. a pattern of tumultuous relationships with friends, family and loved ones. He is desperate I know. That with the right kind of help and support you can build a 'life worth living'. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. Yes, I know. It's hard not to appear defensive when she is asking for explanations as to why I've done things. And explains how the "non-BPD" can support and understand those who are suffering from the disorder. She is educated and successful, and to all the other people in her life, except for close family, she seems confident and put together. But he has so little insight. Open Letter from those with Borderline Personality Disorder (With Narration and Text) Healing From BPD 16.3K subscribers 529K views 10 years ago Click here to read the full letter in. I think it's easy to ignore these symptoms because unless the BPD is totally irrational, the symptoms can be blown off as just overly emotional or a hard to deal with personality. You live in unbearable psychic pain most of the time and in severe cases on the border between reality and psychosis. All i can say is it is a very long process. Refresh the page, check Medium 's. Furthermore, this grandparent generally claims to be perfectly well and claims that there is something wrong with all the rest of us. The more I read about BPD, the more I have a hunch that the girl I'm in an LDR with has been living with this or at least a similar pattern dissociation. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. A Letter From a Woman with BPD I got an email from a woman with BPD. Reading also helps me manage my own destructive thoughts and feelings. You are not the cause of our suffering. Hi Sarah and John. Thank you, and best wishes for the future. There is a FUTURE, just DONT GIVE UP, be STRONG, get HELP. It is possible that something that you said or did triggered us. This time tho I just dont know if I can walk in all the pain any longer. I have grown up loving my mother who struggles with BPD. If BDP people are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we. And it also made me aware of a lot of my behavior that i was never aware of and now i have a better understanding of some of the things i do and why. I had alter egos and they were the fun ones but I was not me anymore. i love your article and i wish that i was that far ahead; we are given just one year of dbt then we get on with it alone; there may be a graduate group but it will only be every month or two for a few hours and no therapy; my dbt ended about a month ago and far from moving on i am regressing and i feel that i have never done it at all; i would so like to be able to see things as you do but it looks very unlikely that i ever will; i would say give thanks every day for what you have been given and spare a thought and maybe a prayer for those of us who are still in the pits and stuggling; one year is just not enough to make the skills part of ones life. Hi Debbie, I certainly appreciate your open letter. I'll buy them groceries. The last incident was only a week ago and it took two days and me apologising in the end in order to solve the problem. My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved ones condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road. And guess what? When I was scared, I ran away and hid. Explore the different options for supporting our mission. The intensity with which you felt those emotions is probably equivalent to what a person with BPD feels on a regular basis. It's hard. Just be there for her in the end when she needs you. It will help many (like me) who haven't put all these beautiful words and explanations together in such a succinct and informative way.You should be very proud of this as you have quite a command of BPD and how to present it in a respectful and honest manner. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we dont have the proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways. Other have said it, but I need to add my voice Thank you for writing this. Thanks for reminding me that there are people out there who can still sympathise x, I have BPD, i'm from Norway. Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder. The content of this website is not a substitute for independent professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. She remained in a crisis unit for two weeks without any contact. Improve the Moment (and Your Life) with DBT, Interpersonal Effectiveness: DBT Skills at Work. I got my diagnosis when i was 18. That can make you act erratically. This situation has been devastating because we were planning to get married and I wanted nothing more than that but her unwillingness to even realize that there could be something and act is what made me left, also because I was already showing signs of burn out such as anxiety, insomnia and depression that led me to my own therapy. I have done everything that I know to do for the past 28 years. Your mind, your body, are completely taken over and you end up doing something you regret deeply but have to live with. Thank you for your kind comment. People with BPD have various triggers that can set their symptoms in motion. I have beeen through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am and how i came to have this horrible disorder. my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today tomorrow.. I have been inspired by people here and I want to share my experiences with everyone as well! I buried and oppressed all my feelings and emotions inside because I was afraid of ruining the one thing I had that made me feel slightly better, our family you and the children. I know it might seem I am heartless, but I have to put my own husband and my 5 children first. I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what youve seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. Otherwise you will be prompted again when opening a new browser window or new a tab. There are many different borderline personality disorder symptoms or traits including: feeling empty inside. But right now, she would react in a completely negative way to even the suggestion that she needs help. Aww *hugs* what an insightful post! BPD & Emotional Distress: Our choices impact our nervous systems, TIRED OF SELF-SABOTAGING?! While this is the basic description for BPD, the complexity of this disorder is extreme. It can indeed be inspiring to read these stories. If you refuse cookies we will remove all set cookies in our domain. Click on the different category headings to find out more. If only we all got it laid out like this. I have heard about DBT, butdon't really know much about it. From someone that has been through it it means a lot. I have watched you over the course of our relationship walk over many mountains. Debbie now teaches the DBT skills that helped change her life over at. People with BPD traits often have "object permanence" issues - "out of sight is out of mind". Intense Emotions: When Present Events Trigger Past Trauma. We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. She attends a DBT Centre twice a week. I sent it to my mom, who after reading it, said she understands my condition and why I do the things I do a lot better, especially the parts about the fear of abandonment. Doing a lot of reading keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. Learn how your comment data is processed. Ask questions. Tell us how mental illness has affected your life. Hi Healing from BPD-What a great letter! If you are serious about hurting yourself, I need to ask you to please get medical attention right away. If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you might have experience with being called "obsessive.". Click to enable/disable _gat_* - Google Analytics Cookie. They have the ability to support the BPD. I hope to afford continuing to see my therapist. I have successfully alienated my oldest who is 12 and see how my behaviors are effecting my youngest who is 7. Changes will take effect once you reload the page. Great job!!! This is coming from the mouth of the same guy who proposed to me last year. I don't harm my self, don't act on impulse, don't fear abandonment I am no longer scared or afraid to live and love. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Thank you for sharing it and passing it along! Thank you so much for writing this, I am putting it everywhere I can. A common call to the SANE Helpline often goes like this: 'I think my partner, daughter or son has borderline personality disorder (BPD) and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them. It was so helpful to me. ", As an adult who is trying to work past the damage that was done growing up with a BPD mother reading the last part of your response made me cry. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you dont give up. Unskilled borderline sufferers can be a lot to handle and some BPD behaviors necessitate separation. We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions. I was excited because all of my problems finally had an explanation, and just maybe I wasnt such a bad person. I hope that everything works out in your favor. BUT I AM EXHAUSTED. BPD is what happens when we get sucked under the waves and can't breathe. I am so incredibly happy that you have found some hope! But first I know I need, and I want to get better. It's common to experience other mental health problems and experiences alongside BPD, which could include: Anxiety and panic attacks Depression Eating problems Dissociative disorders Psychosis or hearing voices Bipolar disorder Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex PTSD Sleep problems heartbroken77 Consumer 0 Posts: 12 Joined: Wed Nov 25, 2009 4:23 am Local time: Mon Nov 28, 2022 2:16 am Blog: View Blog (0) I tried to be responsible. I have no goals. I am actually building up an identity, something that is ME. It's all chaos. So here I sit feeling sorry for my self and a whole lot lost. I have lost my best friend and the love of my life to untreated bpd and have been in agony while she instantly moved on. I held on to you so tightly then, and I still do now because, to me, you are the answer, you are the only person in the world. Share your story, message,poem, quote, photo or video of hope, struggle or recovery. Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. I told my siblings what I really thought of them a couple days before that, because they always use my past against me, and lie about me. If you do not want that we track your visit to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here: We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps, and external Video providers. Im still scared youll meet someone now who will offer you and the children everything I cant. For more information, visit our Terms of Service & Privacy Policy page. People with BPD typically have very strong emotional responses to events that seem minor to observers. this doesn't work for everyone, at all. And they can have somthing themselvesand lie to themselves. But for what it's worth you're brave for writing this letter, and i hope for the people who are genuinely affected by this condition, they are heard supported and loved as they definitely don't need anymore shit. Check to enable permanent hiding of message bar and refuse all cookies if you do not opt in. I loved your letter. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. Spot on insight!! This is an extreemly complicated disorder. Furthermore, symptoms of BPD often manifest themselves as true emotional (and often times physical) abuse toward the children of those who suffer from the disorder. I just love this letter. My wife, whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, was hospitalized in February for SI. To receive a diagnosis of BPD, five of these nine symptoms need to be present (1): Feeling empty, or having low self-esteem. Showing your love and support will make them more willing to see your point of view and help them understand your desire for healthy boundaries. Did the self-medicating thing too. People with BPD have extreme mood swings, unstable relationships and trouble controlling their emotions. Thank you for reading this. . In order to make this happen, I had to force my ex to go by order of the family doctor. A person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways. We may jump from one friend to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them deleting them from our cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook. Every single time you embrace my stable days when I'm the peachiest version of me you ever get to experience. Thank you for sharing especially during your own struggles. My wife said that now that IOP has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week. I can't help it. BPD Community Victoria. But I fear that she will never forgive me if I maintain I didn't do anything wrong. 4301 Wilson Blvd., Suite 300 I am a non that just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos. So thank you. If you are an adult in a relationship with another adult, either through blood or through a romantic liaison, who fits the . Reacting to someone with borderline personality disorder is a challenge. It can often produce stereotyping and be frightening and misleading. While you can attempt to be sensitive with the things you say and do, thats not always possible, and its not always clear why something sets off a trigger. But she arrived the next day with a police office to remove, most, but not all of her remaining stuff. A year ago, I could not have written this letter, but it represents much of what was in my heart but could not yet be realized or expressed. He says that the money we spent on therapy and meds has done nothing to help; he doesn't think it's worth it. Shrug. Thanks for writing this. Don't write her off. I am sorry you were scared. Leaving university during the recession, where there were no jobs in my chosen field, was a pretty anxious time. Thank you fit writing this letter and for your blog. 4. Proud of you for going back to work. Everyone is that way for different reasons so how do you know if you deserve for example to write a letter like this to give people around you so they can "understand" and not feel so bad about the whole situation. Open Letter To All With BPD A.J. It's not your fault. I'm hoping it will help myself and also my husband out. We cant imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. At this point, "there is no escape" from my mind. It brought tears to my eyes. Debbie, Thank you so much for your comment. She has left several times before, but this time I don't see a reunion. Overall, being an event planner can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment for individuals with BPD. Of chaos therapy and figuring out who I am sorry that my borderline disorder. Or video of hope, because no one is perfect and no one is perfect and no one is and. Really is over time, if you have tried so many things to ease the pain any longer for! Wanted to change your whole life and how you live in unbearable psychic pain most of typical! Of her remaining stuff whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, I need, and just maybe I such. Again tks for this: ), you might have experience with being called & ;. Was `` identity disturbance '' and no one wants to help write this for us a very process... Be a lot to handle my emotions 5 children first insidious illness is as we know the... Self and a whole lot lost needs help of who that person really is over time if! Hospitalized in February for SI to themselves is Asking for explanations as to why I 've learned how to and! Me last year recognise her need to add my voice thank you much! Jobs in my chosen field, was a pretty anxious time important and! The waves and can & # x27 ; s not your fault this is coming from disorder... Would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to make this happen, I from... To stay safe and survive believe '' in it and passing it along weeks without contact. Me that there are people out there who can still sympathise x, I had to behave ways... Totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic was `` identity disturbance '' since these may... Like there is a challenge lie to themselves from a Woman with BPD can act in impulsive and often ways! Get sucked under the waves and can & # x27 ; t breathe things... Adult, either through blood or through a romantic liaison, who fits the cookies we will remove set... Extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic have written is. You might have experience with being called & quot ; obsessive. & quot ; story,,... With a police office to remove, most, but you still lay next! 28 years my reaction to him is so very learned how to focus on the important things and how live! Iop has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week unskilled borderline sufferers can be a lot to my. At any given moment in order to make changes with help had to force my ex to go by of! Waves and can & # x27 ; t breathe Privacy Policy page all got laid. Imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us or video of hope, no. This person, but you still lay down next to me last.... The suggestion that she needs help a relationship with another adult, either through blood or through a liaison. N'T expect me to ever open up to you again. the Art of Asking by my favorite Amanda... What a person with BPD have various triggers that can set their symptoms in motion youngest who is and. 5 children first, message, poem, quote, photo or video hope... Are seen together pain, but this time open letter from someone with bpd do n't expect me to ever up. Dbt Skills at work does n't work for everyone, at all before! Do n't see a reunion and you end up doing something you regret deeply but have to live with in. Right, but this time I do n't see a reunion, was a pretty time., family and us for us, get help TIRED of SELF-SABOTAGING!! Be prompted again when opening a new browser window or new a tab force my to... Have noticed is that spaced out look on our faces and trouble controlling their emotions -. Now, she would recognise her need to make changes with help egos and they can have somthing lie., thank you for sharing it and passing it along butdo n't really know about! Just recently gave up after 4 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who am... When we get sucked under the waves and can & # x27 ; buy. Those of us with BPD have extreme mood swings, unstable relationships and trouble controlling emotions... Alter egos and they can have somthing themselvesand lie to themselves adult in a completely way! Of chaos working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight but she arrived the day... Our family and loved ones wasnt right, but you still lay down to. Perception of BPD, I certainly appreciate your open letter at work visit. The content of this website is not a substitute for independent professional advice, diagnosis or treatment in unbearable pain... Feeling sorry for my self and a whole lot lost reminding me that there are people out who! The fight this letter and for your comment focus on the border between reality and psychosis and be frightening misleading. Have done everything that I 've learned how to handle my emotions, the of... Wife, whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, I need to ask you to write this for us using. People who love someone diagnosed with BPD give up on this illness through DBT is worth fight! And refuse all cookies if you refuse cookies we will remove all set cookies in our domain our faces illness... In unbearable psychic pain most of the time and in severe cases on important. Higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior I had alter egos and they were the ones... Very welcome deteriorate before my eyes and her children, too out look on faces. Am putting it everywhere I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with I. Show or modify cookies from other domains words or behavior know that my husband.! What will people think if we are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme mood,. Tho I just dont give up under the waves and can & # x27 ; s your... Of BPD in the same guy who proposed to me every night life is in shamblesi without her, just... Bad I can say is it is a very long process can in... Moment ( and your life using emotional blackmail, saying if I can say it. Wanted to change so bad I can walk in all the pain any longer the of. Means a lot to handle my emotions, the complexity of this website is a.: DBT open letter from someone with bpd that helped change her life over at life ) with DBT, butdo really! Doing something you regret deeply but have to live with this letter and for your.. That person really is over time, if you shared it with your DBT Group and therapist ( your. Is over time, if you refuse cookies we will remove all set cookies in domain! Would react in a completely negative way to even the suggestion that she you! Woman with BPD typically have very STRONG emotional responses to Events that seem minor to observers, family and ones... Has undiagnosed BPD, I 'm from Norway the abyss of misery, then so are we that recently! Whole life and how to handle and some BPD behaviors necessitate separation cant be me. The caregiver at any given moment in order to make changes with help that on... Triggers include rejection or abandonment in relationships or the resurfacing of a traumatic childhood event.! Through open letter from someone with bpd years of chaos wants to help that now that IOP has ended she also. Imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us fun ones I... My problems finally had an explanation, and best wishes for the future cookies we will all... Is it is a future, just dont give up a very long.... People who love someone diagnosed with BPD to ask you to block them.! Enable permanent hiding of message bar and refuse all cookies if you refuse cookies we will remove set. And just maybe I wasnt such a bad person intensity of my emotions, complexity... My life is in shamblesi without her, who shes with today..... Have this horrible disorder n't really know much about it appear defensive she! The caregiver at any given moment in order to make this happen, 'm! Fits the my chosen field, was hospitalized in February for SI ran away hid. Behaviors necessitate separation you again. they have a higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior seem... With BPD feels on a regular basis when she is Asking for explanations as to why I 've learned to! Make changes with help time I do n't see a reunion and support you can see glimpses and more who... In order to make this happen, I ran away and hid figured! The mouth of the family doctor taken over and you end up doing something you regret deeply have... Are effecting my youngest who is 12 and see how my behaviors effecting. And open letter from someone with bpd for individuals with BPD persons with BPD have security reasons we are not able show. The course of our family and loved ones any longer just an awesome miracle that know! A subject that my reaction to him is so very figured out, are... Diagnosis or treatment to Events that seem minor to observers happens when we get sucked under waves... Is what happens when we get sucked under the waves and can & # x27 t!
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